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Core Design created a franchise built on top of Tits, Ass, Guns and puzzles. Can Crystal Dynamics revive Tomb Raider by reversing that order?
Lara Croft, the heroine from Tomb Raider has been a video gaming icon since 1996; or more accurately her tits have been. Lara’s popularity arose during a time when the demographic of gamers was almost exclusively populated by horny boys, all of which were using the burgeoning internet to download the nude patch for the PC game of the brunette, E-cup, dual pistol wielding meat-spank poster girl.
In the past decade Lara’s come a long way… well, okay no she hasn’t. Around the time Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness came out, Eidos – who published the game - was trying to pass off that title as a reinvention of Lara; getting away from the “tits with guns” image, and let’s face it, for the most part that’s all that Lara’s ever been. When I picked up a copy of Tomb Raider: Legend, I did so without any expectations; I was hoping to be – at most – mildly entertained. I thought that if I was lucky the gameplay would be slightly more satisfying then duct-taping a hamster to a cat’s tail. Actually… that *is* pretty entertaining now that I think about it.
She’s got what it takes to blow your Johnson, but does she blow anything else?
Believe it or not your Coach’s mind was completely blown by this game! It took Eidos Interactive seven years and six-previous installments of the Tomb Raider franchise to realize that Core Design’s vision of Lara has been stuck back in 1996. It all came to a head with Angel of Darkness which sold for shit in the retail market. Since then Lara’s been whored over to the design team at Crystal Dynamics in the hopes of turning Ms. Croft into something more then a gun wielding blow up doll. Thankfully, Crystal Dynamics seemed to code the new game with their brains instead of their nut-sacks.
First off, I’d like to discuss Lara’s tits in that they’re still huge, most definitely D-cups, but they’re nice D-cups. Ever since the original Tomb Raider she’s been hoisting around a pair of cumbersome E-cups; but now in Legend her jugs seem much more manageable and I would like to imagine that they don’t impair her sense of balance, at least not too much. Also Lara’s finally looking hot; at least as far as pixelated phillies go. Throughout the game she looks fine as hell and is always outfitted in some tight-bodied, sexy-yet-functional outfit; as should be the case for all female archaeologists in the real world.
Thankfully there’s more to this game beyond Lara’s titties; lest the game fall into the Dead or Alive trap. I swear the only thing keeping the DoA franchise afloat is the erections they induce in pubescent boys. Anyway, Tomb Raider: Legend is pumped full of sweet pistol packin’ combat and rife with area puzzles that, while easy enough, won’t bore or frustrate you as you attempt to solve them and it’s all wrapped inside a solid story.
Graphics – If you can will yourself to focus on something other then her melons, there’s a lot of visuals to admire.
“Sweat as fucking hell,” is a very good description of how Legend comes across visually. There are no CG sequences, however cut-scene and in-game footage are indistinguishable from one another… fuck that’s a long word. “In-dis-tin-guish-a-ble,” six god-damn syllables, fuckin-A! Anyway, the game looks really good; actually it’s beyond good. The attention to detail of the environments is absolutely amazing! Smoke effects, fire, flying debris, water - *especially* water – is all rendered and animated beautifully and looks tight as hell. Environmental modeling and textures provide you with extremely beautiful and varied environments to travel through.
Character details are excellent, especially on the buxom Ms. Croft. Throughout the levels her clothing and skin will get dirtied up the more you dive around through dirt and debris; and when emerging from a body of water the drips will drop from her clothing; her delicate, smooth, supple skin will shine as the wet, moist liquid coats her body… only to eventually dry off in time. You just know there’s some horny dude out there who’s going to give their joy stick a tug while playing this game.
The facial expressions during the cut-scenes are animated with exquisite detail with a lot of attention having been paid to conveying a vast spectrum of emotions. The expressions and emotions are executed so well in Legend that a lot of other animation studios out there should take notice of what Crystal Dynamics did in this game because I’m fucking sick of playing games where all the characters have dead-panned expressions on their faces, as if they’re trying to convince me I should be bored playing their game. Crystal Dynamics did a bad-ass job here.
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